Happy New Year! 2017 is off to a very busy start. One day I hope to have more time to blog regularly. For now, here’s my most recent article that was published in the January issue of Northeast Ohio Parent Magazine. I hope it might help any of you struggling with mean behavior from your child’s peers. Gotta run!
Bullies and exclusive cliques have long been a struggle for adolescents, but today’s world presents our youth with new and bigger challenges. Here are some tips from psychologists, teachers and other moms to help your tween cope with mean behavior from their peers.
When we grew up, bullies were known to torment the short kid on the bus, steal the freshman’s lunch, pull girls hair during gym class or gossip behind our back. Back then, teachers would see it happen and could intervene. These days, so much of mean behavior happens out of sight or earshot of adults. It is usually tied to social media where students post pictures, send snapchats and comment on posts using language and pictures that can really hurt the feelings of others. Responses are fired back immediately before parents or adults have had the opportunity to help the child cool off, reflect and decide how to handle it the next day at school.
“When we were kids, we might have heard about something mean someone else said about us. Today, adolescents are actually seeing it in writing on the internet for all their peers to see too,” says Tira Stebbins, Clinical Psychologist.
“One of the most common behaviors I see is when students post pictures from parties to intentionally hurt the feelings of students who were not invited,” says Jennifer Bencko, School Psychologist at Chagrin Falls Middle School. Social media takes “mean behavior” or bullying to a different level by positing it for the world to see. Bencko says, “This impacts victims even more because they feel so vulnerable.”
Tweens are very focused on peer acceptance and are fixated on feeling like they belong. “It can at times cause worry, anxiety and poor decision making in order to gain this desired acceptance,” says Kelly Stukus, mother of two and Curriculum Consultant.
HOW TO DEAL WITH IT
So what’s a parent to do when they see their child feeling down, struggling with “mean behavior” from their peers? It’s impossible to shield your child from “mean behavior” completely and while we would prefer it never happens at all, learning to persevere through such situations and to live amongst people like these are actually an important part of growing up. But here are some ways to help your child avoid unpleasant experiences with bullies and to prepare them for mean people in life.
RAISE A KIND, CONFIDENT, INDEPENDENT THINKER
Preparing your child to withstand this sort of behavior or not to turn into the bully themselves, actually starts very early on in their lives. It is paramount that you practice what you preach and continue to do so as your children transform into teens, even if they may act as if they are ignoring everything you do or say. By modeling kindness, confidence and tolerance of our differences, you are teaching them the most important lessons they will need as tweens and throughout their lives. “Kids are smart and can sniff out hypocrisy,” said one local mom of a 14, 13 and 11-year-old. “If you say to be kind and then treat people horribly, they will emulate that behavior.”
Raise your children to understand the impact they have on others and to believe in themselves. “Help them learn to discover their inner self and teach them to stand up for that,” says Michelle Koehler, a mom of four children ages 18, 16, 14 and 11. “Helping to find their truths and what they think independently of you starts becoming evident during the tween years.”
MONITOR SOCIAL MEDIA
“The biggest advice I would give parents is to monitor their child’s use of social media,” says Bencko. While you can’t possibly see every snapchat or post or know everything they are reading or seeing, it is important to observe and limit social media use as best you can. “Follow your child on social media, keep the lines of communication open and watch for behavioral changes in your children,” says Bencko. Parents who are oblivious to what is going on online are often blind sighted by bad situations.
Most middle schoolers do not have the self control and are not capable of managing time spent on social media. It is a skill they need to learn over time. Phone use by tweens should not be unsupervised. If you wouldn’t let your 12-year-old have a boy in her room, then she shouldn’t be allowed to use her phone alone in her room. It is essentially the same thing.
For those just starting out with tweens, Dr. Tira Stebbins suggests that parents create a sort of contract when they first give their child their own phone. Lay out your expectations specifically. Ensure that your child understands that the phone belongs to you, the parent, and that you are giving them the opportunity to borrow it. That way, if it is misused, you have an easier way to take it away from them. “It is a lot harder to pull back their use of the phone than it is to slowly give them freedom to use the phone more, once they show they can handle it,” says Stebbins.
LISTEN WITHOUT BEING CRITICAL
But what about when your child has already experienced an incident and is feeling emotional and vulnerable? Dr. Stebbins recommends doing lots of listening. Let your child vent and then offer confirmation of their feelings. Be careful not to be too critical. It’s easy to begin pointing out mistakes your child might have made, but to your child that feels condemnatory. Stebbins suggests asking your child if they would like your advice before offering solutions. “As parents we want to swoop in and solve the problem. It’s usually best to think of yourself as a coach, to problem solve together and collaborate on ideas,” says Stebbins. Talk to them about which friends make them feel good and contribute to their happiness versus those that make them feel bad. Even consider doing some role playing to help them find the words to address the situation next time they see the culprit.
“I think listening a lot instead of always providing solutions right away is important,” says Michelle Koehler. “Help your children problem solve through situations and interactions and guide them.” She suggests asking them what they think and how they feel. It helps them learn to analyze and figure out their own solutions.
INTERVENE WHEN NECESSARY
If “mean behavior” escalates from a child not including your daughter to humiliating her time and time again despite your child’s efforts to ignore it, you may be dealing with full-on “bullying.” When you’ve tried everything and the behavior is not stopping or is getting worse, it may be time to intervene. But do be aware that you run the risk of the situation potentially getting worse before it gets better.
Be diligent, but not so much that your child feels as though they’ve lost all their independence. Try to have faith in all the love you’ve given them and the good qualities you’ve instilled in them all along.
“While I could attempt to restrict their access to social media, the important lesson becomes teaching them to be children of good character. To reinforce the importance of kindness, acceptance and tolerance and to model those traits for them.”
When in doubt, share with your child these very wise words from a bright 12-year-old I recently heard from. “Don’t make yourself into someone else to please someone who is judging you. Make yourself be you, because the friends you love… love that person.”
Hi! Remember me? Yes, I’m still here and I’m still running, for exercise (and for fun) but mostly as a “mom on the run” chasing after my three kids. Life these days feel busier then ever before. That is in fact why I haven’t written a post here in… 4 whole months?!?! I will continue to post in my spare time, whatever that is ;). Lately it feels like there is NO spare time and when there are even just a few moments of it, the first to-do on my list is sitting down to pour a tall glass of vino… or two.
Walking through the local farmer’s market is a feast for the senses. It’s a journey full of colors, smells and flavors – some familiar and some new and interesting. Farm markets will soon be stocked with all sorts of unique vegetables. From turnips and kohlrabi to chard and fennel, there are many choices that perhaps you’ve never even tried yourself. Maybe you’re afraid to buy them because you’re certain your kids won’t touch them. Here are a few simple recipes that will help you introduce these vegetables to your family along with some general tips for helping your children try new foods.
They were excited about the apples which made them interested enough to be willing to try the new dish. They asked about “the green things” and wondered what those were. I told them it was a crunchy vegetable called kohlrabi that tastes a little like celery (which is not a lie). They mostly just ate all the apples first and when they tasted a bite of the kohlrabi they did lose a bit of enthusiasm. My middle daughter made a face, but the other two ate most of what was on their plate. They didn’t love it YET. BUT, no one made fake vomiting sounds or started crying, so in my book it was a successful first taste of one very unique vegetable from the local farmer’s market!
What You Need;
While we never had a name for it, “clean eating” is really the way our family has been eating for a long time. It’s our way of life. Everyone’s definition of “eating clean” may be a little different. For us it means eating whole foods as close to their natural state as possible with little to no processing or added ingredients. Since my husband and I are vegetarians, our plates include a lot of meat free protein. Our kids do eat meat so you’ll see in the recipes below how I prepare both options for most meals.
First I want to say that I am not an “expert”. I am not a nutritionist or a dietitian. I am not a doctor or a trainer. While I am certified by the Growing Healthy Eaters training program, most of my knowledge comes from the real world. I am a mom with three young, loud and crazy children that I’m constantly running after. But one thing we rarely argue about is food. They love artichokes, asparagus, brown rice, chickpeas, almonds and they’ll even eat tempeh. Granted, our family owns a produce market and we’ve been feeding our kids raw vegetables from our store since they could eat solid foods. So maybe that’s a bit unfair. But, I know how to get kids to eat healthy food because I’ve taught my own three how.
I call my approach “Real Food for Real Life” because life is busy here. I am not the most strict “clean eater” you’ll ever meet. I don’t have time to bake my bread or tortillas from scratch every week. I don’t make my own chicken stock, ketchup or jelly. I have done my research over the years and I have found the best store-bought items with the cleanest, fewest ingredients in them. I am satisfied with using some of those items to supplement all the many fruits and vegetables and whole foods that make up our diet.
As you know if you read my blog regularly, I try to “keep it real.” I am not going to sit here and tell you to never eat regular ice cream or shame you for buying your kids donuts now and then. To me that’s just a little too extreme. The way I see it, if you eat “clean” 80 to 90 percent of the time, you can indulge sometimes with wine and dessert. Food is something to be enjoyed in life, not feared. Enjoy some treats here and there. If you don’t, you may end up feeling deprived over time and perhaps fall back into unhealthy ways all the time.
Apple or Banana with Nut Butter
As owners of a century-old wholesale produce market here in Cleveland, it’s probably not surprising that our family loves fresh, healthy food. We say a love of fruits and veggies runs in our blood. We also love to entertain friends and family. It allows us to share our passion for healthy cooking and share the abundant fresh fruits and vegetables we are lucky enough to bring home from work.
Let your kids help you in the kitchen when possible. While it does take extra time and patience, it teaches them so much about what goes into healthy meals. And they’re more likely to try new meals if they had a hand in creating them. They don’t seem so scary when served if the kids already tasted the ingredients going into the dish. Plus it creates an opportunity for fun memories between the two of you.
Most summer cookouts include burgers. As a vegetarian I have attended many where I’ve been stuck eating just a bun with a squirt of mustard. Why not serve an inspired meat-free option that will please the herbivores and surprise the carnivores all at once? I have tried many store-bought veggie burgers and experimented with various combinations of foods to create my own. I am confident this is one of the best I have tasted. They’re easy to make ahead, freeze and grill up when entertaining. Serve alone or alongside traditional burgers. The sliders are so cute that the kiddos might even give them a try.
1 lb. whole wheat fusilli
I’ve realized that finding the most fit, healthy version of myself doesn’t mean doing as much cardio as I can possibly fit in. It doesn’t mean running for as long and far as I can. It means doing a little bit of a lot of activities with a BIG focus on strength training. It means really honing in on feeding my body the proper combination of the right amount of whole foods. While I’ve tracked macronutrients for years (carbs, proteins and fats) along with calories, I was not necessarily always getting them in the right combinations to help my body burn fat and build muscle. I lacked confidence that I was doing it right. The 21 Day Fix helped me perfect my nutrition planning.
The recommended foods don’t require you to make time consuming recipes for breakfast, lunch and dinner. In fact, the simpler the better. For example, right now for lunch I commonly eat simply two hardboiled eggs, a cup of baby carrots, and a piece of sprouted wheat toast with 1/4 avocado mashed on it.
Running with Skissors 